Sleep

She flips herself onto her stomach the moment I put her down. I know the back-to-sleep rule. Nobody told me what to do when she has other ideas at 5 months. Do I flip her back all night forever?

I need numbers. Not "it passes!" Not "every baby is different!" I know every baby is different, that's why I want a distribution instead of one anecdote.

So I'm going to give you mine in full and then I want yours, and I want it in days or weeks, plus how old your LO was in WEEKS when it started, because everybody says "4 months" and I'm now fairly sure "4 months" is doing a lot of lying.

Mine: born February 24, so she's 17 weeks today. Started May 28, which was 13 weeks and 3 days. That's the other reason I want your numbers — mine started at 13 weeks and I spent the first week convinced it was something else because she wasn't 4 months yet.

Before: she was doing 7 to 8 hours. I want that in writing because I have started to wonder whether I made it up. Down at 7:30, dream feed at 10:30, up once around 5. Naps were 45 minutes to an hour and a half, four of them. I was one of those insufferable people who thought she had an easy baby, and I would like to formally apologize to everyone I said that to.

Now, day 26: waking every 45 to 90 minutes MOTN. Every single one. Naps have collapsed into 28 minute cat naps — 28, not 30, it's uncanny, I've got a whole spreadsheet. Four to five naps. Wake windows 90-105 minutes and if I go over by ten minutes she's inconsolable. I dropped the dream feed on day 12 because someone said it might be the problem. It was not the problem.

Variables, so nobody has to ask: room 68F, blackout, white noise all night. Combo fed, mostly EBF with one bottle at night. No solids, not till 6 months per our pediatrician. Sleep sack over a swaddle, arms in, 1.0 TOG. Takes a pacifier and then loses it and screams about it, which is roughly 60% of the wakes. Not visibly teething, no drool, no fever. Leap 4 per Wonder Weeks lines up almost exactly, for whatever that's worth — I've decided that app is astrology for tired people but I still open it.

She rolled crib-to-back once, about two weeks ago, and hasn't done it since.

What I want from you:

1. How many days or weeks did it last, start to actually-over?

2. How old in WEEKS when it started?

3. Did it end, or did it just become the new baseline and you adjusted? Please be honest about this one. I think this is the real question and everyone dodges it.

4. Did anything you did shorten it, or do you just think it did because it ended eventually?

My husband asked me last night how much longer and I said I don't know and he said surely someone knows, and reader, I have been searching for eleven days and nobody knows. So I'm going to make a dataset. Give me yours.

Same room, same routine, same everything. One goes down at 7 and sleeps. The other treats bedtime as a personal insult. At what point do we separate them, and does that ever work?

We've been winging it entirely and it's fine until it isn't. Is there a point where it's too late to introduce one, or can we just start on Monday like nothing happened?

She's fighting the third nap but falls apart by 5pm without it. Do I hold the line or drop it and accept the witching hour? What did the transition actually look like for you?

It's 9:30pm, both of them are finally down, and I'm sitting on the floor of the hallway outside their room eating cereal out of the box like a raccoon, so this is where we're at.

Boy/girl twins, Kofi and Ama, born October 2 at 35+4. So they're 31 weeks actual, about 26 adjusted, and I say that up front because I know somebody's going to ask and they'd be right to.

Where we were: both in one room, two cribs, room is 70F, 1.0 TOG sleep sacks, both rolled at 5 months so no swaddle, nothing in the cribs, white noise, blackout so dark I have walked into the dresser twice. Formula since about 5 months, solids started at 6, purees and some BLW. Ama takes a pacifier. Kofi rejects it with a level of contempt I find genuinely impressive. Wake windows are 2.5-3 hours, three naps, one of which is a 30 minute cat nap in the car because that's just my life now.

And they were waking every 90 minutes to two hours. Both. Not in sync, obviously, because that would be a gift. Ama at 11:20, Kofi at 12:40, Ama at 2:15, and so on until the sun comes up and I go to work. I have been doing this since roughly Christmas. I have fallen asleep at a red light. That's the sentence I'd like anyone who wants to tell me what I'm doing wrong to sit with first.

So Friday we started Ferber. Actual Ferber, the checks, 3 then 5 then 10.

Night 1: 47 minutes. Both of them. Kofi's cry has a sound in it I have not heard before and I would like to never hear again.

Night 2: 22 minutes, then Ama slept until 5:10 and I woke up at 3am in a panic and went in to check she was breathing, which I feel is worth including.

Night 3: 6 minutes. Six. I thought we'd done it. Then Kofi woke Ama at 1am and we were back to square one until 3.

Night 4 was tonight and I don't want to talk about night 4.

Here's the thing I actually need to say. Everyone told me the guilt would go away when it worked, and it's sort of working, and it hasn't gone away, it's gotten worse. Because now I have proof that it works, and that means all the nights I didn't do it were nights I chose not to. And on the other side of that, every time Kofi stops crying I feel this little flash of relief and then I think: did he stop because he's okay, or did he stop because he worked out nobody's coming.

I know the studies say no measurable harm. I've read them. I've read them at 4am, which is not when you should read a study. It doesn't touch the thing.

I'm not asking if I should stop. I don't think I can stop. I'm asking whether anyone else did this and felt like this, and what you did with it, because right now I'm eating cereal on a floor and I feel like something that used to be a person.

If I do it I'm cruel and if I don't I'm a martyr. I haven't even decided anything yet and I'm already braced for opinions. How did you decide what was right for your family without the noise?

Every app tells me a different number and my baby has apparently not read any of them. Are these real or are we all just making it up and calling it a schedule?

Everyone says 'it's a permanent change to sleep architecture' which is possibly the least comforting sentence in the English language. She was sleeping 6 hour stretches and now it's 90 minutes. Please tell me there's a other side.

Sorry in advance, this is long and I know it's probably a stupid thing to be upset about. She was born January 29, so she's 3 weeks and 1 day today. I'm going to keep saying it in weeks because I want to be precise about what we're actually arguing about here.

Setup, so nobody has to ask: EBF, feeding every 2 to 2.5 hours around the clock, wake windows are 45-60 minutes and then she's cooked. Room is 69F. She's in a bassinet right next to my side of the bed, velcro swaddle, arms in, white noise the whole time, nothing in there with her. Hasn't rolled, obviously. I have read the AAP page so many times I could recite it. I'm not doing anything unsafe. I want that on the record before the rest.

She naps 20 minutes in the bassinet. Twenty. I've timed it enough times that I can now call it — I set her down, she's out, and at minute 18 her hands come up. On my chest she sleeps 90 minutes to two hours, sometimes more. So during the day I hold her. I sit on the couch with a burp cloth on my shoulder and my phone in one hand and she contact naps on me and that is the whole day. That's it. That's what I do now.

My mother-in-law came Sunday. She was here about four hours. In that time she said, and I'm not paraphrasing because I've replayed it enough:

"You know you're creating a habit."

"She'll never learn to go down on her own if she's never put down."

And then, to my husband, in the kitchen, not quietly: "I put you boys down awake in the crib and you were fine. She's setting herself up."

Then she offered to take her so I could shower, and when I said she'd probably wake up, she said "well, good."

Here's the part I can't get past. I don't think she's right. I've read enough to be fairly sure a 3 week old can't form a habit in the way she means. But I sat there and I didn't say any of it, and now it's Thursday and I'm still sitting on the couch with her asleep on me and I feel like I'm getting away with something. Like at some point a bill comes due for this and it's going to be my fault.

I keep opening my phone and typing "how long can you contact nap before it's a problem" and every answer is somebody's opinion. Taking Cara Babies says one thing, my pediatrician's handout says put her down drowsy but awake, my MIL says I'm ruining her, and she is 22 days old and warm and asleep on me and it is the only part of my day that doesn't feel like drowning.

So I guess I'm not really asking about naps. I think I'm asking whether I'm allowed to do this. Which is a ridiculous thing to ask strangers. Sorry.

She'll sleep 2 hours on me and 20 minutes in the bassinet. My mom keeps saying I'm creating a habit. But also I'd really like her to sleep. Is this actually a problem I'm making for later?

We have an audio one. Everyone says to get video. Part of me thinks I'll just lie there watching a screen instead of sleeping. Did video make it better or worse for you?

Both of mine hit the four month thing in the same week and I genuinely don't know what day it is. One wakes, wakes the other, repeat until sunrise. Any twin parents got through this with a strategy or did you just endure it?

Third night this week I've been up since 1. She's fed, she's changed, she's just awake and delighted about it. Please tell me someone else is scrolling this at an absurd hour so I feel less alone.

My 2yo has started waking up at 4am asking to be held, right as I've gotten too pregnant to lift her. She was sleeping through since she was 1. I don't think it's a coincidence. Anyone been through this — does it settle once the baby actually arrives, or is this our life now?